|
Ma99ieownsyou
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Maggie
Location: Memphis, Tennessee, United States
Birthday: 8/4/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: hanging out with friends, scary movies, Napoleon Dynamite, Adam Sandler, guys, old music, new music.... your mom =-O oooo
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  Maggielaura05
Yahoo:  princessthat05
Member Since:
4/1/2005
|
|
| Wow, it's been awhile but I have some things I need to get off my chest in a place where no one comes anymore and no one would ever think to look.
Alright, so I'm angry. I am so angry. I have no happiness within my life anymore and that is not necessarily anyones fault. So what do I do? I resort to trying to fill that hole with a guy. A guy that is so not into me that it blows me away that I can hold out hope for him liking me.
I need to give it up because even if I could get him to like me, I am so not ready for a relationship with anyone. I am so fatally flawed that I surprise myself with how down I can get because of it.
Not to mention the fact that my manager at Houstons is targetting me specifically to try to weed out because I was on the phone in the back hallway and told him the truth about it. I told him the truth when dozens of other servers would have lied and what do I get for my honesty? Public ridicule and unfair actions thrown my way.
It amazes me how quickly they turn on you. I got yelled at for eating a piece of cheese toast the other day.
The whole auditer thing I understand and I even thought to myself before all of that went down that I needed to go up and introduce myself to her and I didn't. I need to start going with my basic instincts here.
I hate that I have become someone that is disliked and that they are 'watching' when I feel like I am a good worker and they are complete idiots for not seeing that. At this point, nothing I do or say will ever be good enough. I am by all standards, fucked.
I don't even recognize myself anymore, this isn't the girl I wanted to be. I wanted to be in grad school at this point and be headed towards a career that will make me happy. But instead I am here... working for piece of shit houstons and UT. Hating my life and everything about it.
Lord help me through this right now. . . I need direction. I need instruction. I need this yuck within me to be taken away. To leave me. Please help me out here. I cannot do this on my own.
| | |
| So i feel the need to write down my thoughts on somethings I have observed this year because it's the new year right? And that is what we do. I think the most significant lesson of this year is that of love. Love can do some crazy things to you. It can shape you and mold you. It can take a friend from you. It can make you do things you never saw yourself doing. Love can breed bad decisions. It can cloud your judgment when someone is very sick and that kind of love breeds denial of death. Love breeds denial period. But love is still the driving force for many people. The good parts of love are what the media portrays to us. We grow up watching movies that give us the ending of "ah these people will go on to live happy lives filled with love." These are ofcourse lies and give us the false impression that loving someone will be easy. It's not. If it's true love, it is the hardest thing you have ever had to do. However, it is love that allows forgiveness for wrong doings. It allows us the superhuman emotion of compassion. Compassion under difficult circumstances is the greatest love ever known. However, it is the media's portrayl that eludes us for many years. We are searching for this perfect ending and we never find it. Why? Because as I have said before, there are no perfect endings. We are meant to struggle. We cannot be happy 100% of the time because there will always be something that messes up our equilibrium. We cannot control love because even if we do not want to love, we must. It is our point. Since we were made out of love (God, our parents..) we search endlessly to find it. When you find a person that can put up with you and love you for who you are... you have still not found what you are looking for. Because? Because love will never be perfect. However, you're as close as you'll ever get with someone who actually thinks it's cute that your car is trashy or that you love diet pepsi to the point that you drink a six pack a day. I know it's not a perfect love because it never could be... but there is always something that draws you back. You can't shake this person. You can't stand the thought of never seeing them again. Now this is ofcourse love in all of its forms. Not just couple-type love. Your parents, your family, your friends... all people with faults that you love unconditionally (for the most part). Hm, so coming back to my point. Where there is love, there is life. Where there is love, there is peace. And where there is love, there is imperfection. Later days :)
~Mag | | |
| wow, it has been awhile and to tell you the truth I haven't thought much about xanga since myspace started. However, certain people can read my myspace that do not know about my Xanga, so I shall return and blog what I don't want them to read, here. I'm tired as hell. Every ounce of 'get up and go' in me has been drained from my body! I am constantly drained but I can't stop because people are counting on me. I'm counting on me. It's oddly amusing that I feel this way as a couple of weeks ago I was feeling like I counted on everyone else too much but the truth is, I let people get away with being shitty and I hold myself to a higher standard then I do anyone else. Then I get upset when people can't understand how hard I work myself to be who and where I am. Granted, I haven't done anything that is a grand contribution to the world. But I still feel like the things I do, I do to the best of my ability and as a result, I am left exhausted by the whole thing. I guess it really bothers me that one person can't or doesn't think about how hard things are on me. He just believes that he works hard and I'm there to make him feel better when he's done. Which I am... but I could use a little support as well. Maybe a suprise now and then to make me feel special. I do special things for you constantly... I just want to feel like you acknowledge them and can return the sentiment when things are hard for me too. You work a double, I make sure to get you a full throttle and make you feel content before I leave you to work again. I go out and do what YOU WANT all weekend and as a result, am up late and then have to get to work by 830 the next day. I work an 8 hour shift, after which I have to go fulfill another responisbility and then come to see YOU because YOU had a bad day. And don't get to bed until 1. Almost 24 hours on 3 hours of sleep and you can't really acknowledge it. I think that's the thing, the acknowledgment is not there and the WANT to make me feel like you care and want to make my day better, is just not there. It's exhausting. I don't mind going out on the weekends, I love it in fact. But if I can take my ass to where you work so you can feel comforted on your hard days, then I think it's not too much for me to ask for you to do the same every once and awhile. I know you work hard. But know that I'm working hard too and me being there for you when you are having a hard time, should definitly be reciprocated. I love you and I'm not mad. Just exhausted. | | |
| So next semester is lookin pretty hardcore for me right now. I have classes all over the place and I'm not honestly excited about any of them. MWF: 10:00-10:50- Psychopathology
11:00-11:50- Perspectives on Public Life
12:00-12:50- Human Development T,Thurs 9:30-10:45- Math 100 (to remember what I need to know to do a higher up course)
2:00- 3:15- APA writing gah, not excited. lol. It'll be okay though I can tell. My ipod won't work... it sucks Alright, well I'll see you guys later! | | |
| All of the stupid bullshit ends tonight. I'm going to be happy because I should be. I have a great life, family, friends, job (even though I complain about it, I have been blessed.), and I am so in love with my boyfriend. And I'm so sick of feeling like I have to care about stupid bullshit, I don't. I'm happy and I won't worry about dumb things. PERIOD! I LOVE YOU GUYS! CARPE' DEEZ! PEACE LOVE AND MAGS! ;-p\ "It Ends Tonight"
Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.
The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain
The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.
| | |
|
|
